I cannot shake the image of a girl, pretty enough, in denim mini skirt and orange checkered off shoulder shirt. She was, according to Shin, doped out and indeed she seemed high as she danced on that dance floor in that particular club on New Year's Eve. Shin said that she was corrupting me a little, and I figured that at 22 going 23 I'm allowed to make my own inappropriate choices. I liked the beat the DJ was kicking, but I couldn't enjoy myself much. I couldn't help it; I saw that girl and several boys around her, equally drunk and doped out. I wanted to pull her away, knowing how the night would end for her and the subsequent consequences of her actions, but in my heart I know that she was beyond saving. She will not welcome my help. She has made this choice.
Choices. I have made choices. I have never drank, I have never tried any drugs, I have, despite being surrounded by it, defied the social pressure of doing what everybody does and remained chaste, depending on who you ask made morally correct decisions and is apt to protect the young 'uns, and still kicked ass. I wear clothes of Victorian 'proper' standards. I am guilty of cigar smoking, which I have tried to quit, though I still enjoy my Aromatic No.8 and the occassional Cuban. I love and hopefully am still loved by the people I consider the rock of my life. I work hard. I try to excel in everything I do. I give my all and hold nothing back. I have tried relationships but perhaps I have yet to find the right person, since I have an almost suicidal tendency towards playboys and womanizers (hence I prefer working at this moment of time).
I made a choice to be good. I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean. Does it mean abstinence from sexual intercourse guarentee untainted reputation in society? Does it mean not drinking (when in fact the main reason to not drink is to not become someone's one night stand, KL is dangerous for young ladies)? Does it mean not taking recreational drugs, when it harms no one but your own mind and body? Does it mean not bitching about other people's business? Does it mean not going out clubbing no matter how much fun it is? The Quran and every single authoritative person in my life chatter about responsibilities, resisting temptation, walking in the right path of Allah. All claim they know definite answers and how to abide by it.
But all I seem to get is the feeling of emptiness, echoes in my heart, echoes in my soul. I know in accordance to my upbringing and the strictures of my religion, I have made the right choices, I have done the right things, to the best of my limited abilities. Sania, Dila and Lidia once told me the reason that they love me was because I have never given a damn about what people thought of me and stayed true to my own ideals, beliefs and principles. Truth is, most of my decisions were made with sorrow, and not always met with understanding. I do care about what people think, only I realized early that it is impossible to please everyone. The best thing you can do is to please the people who truly matter, for they deserve nothing but the best out of you. Because without them, the essence of your soul is but wisps of smoke, something that can be blown away.
And finally, people sometimes comment about my fearlessness. That I'd dare anything and the devil take those who get in my way. I do fear one thing. I fear looking in the mirror and realizing in horror that the person who gazed back at me is a complete and utter monster. That she did not do the morally correct thing, the honourable thing, the right choices, that kind act. I do have a miniscule sense of self preservation, as little as it is, it does affect everything that I do, sometimes. I fear going into the grave someday, and having to explain to Allah, and my long deceased family, the actions that I have committed in this life. Hence, the nameless girl, doped out and drunk stuck in my mind.
As I get older, again, I have no answers to give, only more questions to ask.
